Let’s Talk About Sex, Baby

A good friend asked me, “Why isn’t there more about sex on your blog?”

Me: “Er…well, um…. you see, um… because… ummmm….” (deer in headlights face)

“What’s the right response here?!?” was all I could think.

How about the truth?

“I’m not that good at it so I feel awkward talking about it.”

“I grew up in a culture where it’s not something acceptable to talk about and I’m still feeling that oppression.”

“Sometimes I have pain during intercourse so I can’t possibly tell anyone about that, it’s too shameful.”

Oof. Feels like a gut punch to tell the truth, doesn’t it?

But this is also true: Sex and sexuality are a part of life. There is nothing to be ashamed of when talking about sex. Sex is about reproduction, and intimacy and pleasure. God gave us bodies that experience pleasure to enjoy. And there are health benefits to sex. Those benefits are physical, intellectual, emotional, psychological and social.

So, yes, let’s start talking more about sex. And please, I beg you, talk to your kids before they get their sexual knowledge from the school bus like I did!

As I mentioned, I am NOT the sexpert, but let me tell you who is:

Emily Nagoski. All hail the sex queen! She is a sex researcher and wrote the fabulously freeing “Come As You Are.” It’s a five-star read filled with feel good lessons around sexuality and our bodies.

Here are a few of the key takeaways from Nagoski’s book.

1.     There is a wide range of sexual ‘normalcy’. She dives into how our expectations (thank you very little, Hollywood) can be based on incorrect information, then you’re setting yourself up to be dissatisfied.

2.     Women’s needs and desires are totally different from mens. Our organs work differently, thus, Viagra doesn’t work the same on (most) women, as it does on men.

3.     Most women do not have thorough knowledge of their own bodies. We tend to know more about what culture teaches us than we do about our own anatomy. The clitoris the hot spot for women’s pleasure, but it’s more than just the spot at the top of the inner labia. It has legs that reach down the sides of under the outer labia too. Educate yourself.

4.     Desire for sex is sensitive to context. Some people have periods where they are more interested in sex, and periods where they are less interested. Few are consistent over time. Change in desire is normal.

5.     There is both an accelerator and a brake when it comes to sexual response. The gas pedal and the brake can be activated by your senses: sight, smell, taste, touch, and sound. Think: baby crying, BRAKE. Marvin Gaye, GAS. Arousal is about the gas and the brake. More gas and less brake can set you up for higher arousal.

6.     You can treat painful sex. Don’t let the doctor shoo you away and tell you it’s in your head, vaginismus can be treated. Deeper pain can be treated as well, possibly with the help of a pelvic floor therapist. I know a great one.

7.     Everything is NORMAL. The size and shape of your penis or labia are normal. Your accelerators and brakes are normal. Your body fluids are normal. Your desires and fantasies are normal. There is no need to be ashamed or insecure, you are not the only one, and it’s all normal. Deep sigh of relief.

There is so much research, information, tools and discussion around sex if you take the time to look for it. And let’s talk about it. Chances are, your friends aren’t having as much great sex as you think they are. And that’s normal. If you want to spice up your sex life, your only limit is your willingness to seek help, get creative, and the shame that’s keeping you from talking about it.

Let’s talk about sex. You ready??